Stories From a Wayward Journal

Comments on precognizance from one of my journals a couple years ago:

"Premonition is part of my blood. When I was 2 years old my mom had us drive through a snowstorm to see my great grandmother because she knew it had to happen then. She died the next morning. When I was 10 years old I fell at a roller rink and broke both bones in my right forearm. My mom suddenly was there - I asked her how she just happened to be there later - she said she just knew I needed her. I've had a couple things other than these happen, but for me it always seemed to be a request and a response. Or even at times like a random statement that could later be seen as either a prediction or like I was causing it.

I was working a medic shift at 3am at a festival and said hours before that it should be a quiet shift "unless someone breaks a leg or something." I came onto my shift just as a girl literally fell in the dark and broke her femur. Who breaks a femur at a party? My friends said I tempted the universe with what I'd said earlier... for me it felt more like some part of me knew it was going to happen.

Then there are the times when I would think of something incredibly random and someone would bring it to reality within a couple minutes. Or the times I'd be out at a concert or a film and say "x is going to happen" and whoever I was with would stare at me in wonder when it did - totally non-sequitur stuff.

There's a part of me that believes I am creating these instances. Then the other part me of thinks that's incredibly egocentric. That's the part that finds it much more likely I'm simply being allowed a glimpse through the veil... A chance to see something most people don't. Lindsay says she thinks it's because I am really paying attention. I'm looking for the magic that most people have either forgotten or ignore.

So I'm on an exercise in being open. In not requesting. In simply being with whatever shows up. There's a part of me that's terrified to make any sort of requests because [of that last time I did that]. But I've been spending a lot of time thinking about what, in the course of my entire life, has been the driving force for me. And it's come down to (at least) two things - connection and music. Unsurprisingly I've been listening to a heavy amount of music. There have been points where I was brought to tears by a song I've heard a hundred times [because it connected to a different point in my experience].

I sat on the shore and cried yesterday. I'm not really sure why. Probably everything. The state of the world. The desperation and overwhelming fear people carry everywhere with them. The longing I have to finally have the connection in my life I so long for. How tremendously huge the universe is and how infinitesimally small I am in it. How I long to see and do and know and understand everything, and yet realize in so doing I'll lose the mystery therein. The downside of knowledge has always been the seizure of magic it seems.

Except I'm beginning to wonder if that's incorrect. It's a different kind of magic to understand how things work. part of me wants to have an understanding of cause and effect enough to be able to predict outcomes at an unprecedented level - but like the concept of being rich, I'm not sure I could trust myself not to become a totally self-absorbed person who stopped using my powers for good.

It's the thing about power in any sense - it destroys goodness a lot of the time - either through annihilation of the self (look at celebrities in positions of power - overdoses and such are alarmingly common) or through becoming an awful being to others (look at many political 'leaders').

So yeah, these are the things I think about in my downtime."