I've always self-identified with what is commonly known as the goth community. Even the times when I was a manic candy raver, the goth community has always been home to me. I've been called a 'bubbly goth,' which is quite endearing. I imagine myself as Bubbles from the Powerpuff Girls... in black with some crazy colored hair. I bet there's an image of that online. Now I miss my pigtails.
Ennui has been a word I've identified with for a long time. It's distinct from boredom for me. I can be comfortable in ennui, but boredom makes me restless. It's like zen-ennui (zennui?): acceptance of listlessness. It comes and goes on some infinite loop, but nearly always returns after a turn of feeling excited about something. Psychologists would probably say I'm on the manic-depressive spectrum somewhere with a lean toward mania more often than depression. There's a dance of possibility and probability that happens in my mind when I think about the future of humanity, and maybe that has something to do with it. Some people get angry, some entitled, some really depressed. I just get... listless and dissatisfied. It's not so much a negative feeling though - it's just a sense of... yeah, c'est la vie. Maybe we're going to annihilate ourselves... *shrug. Ok. There's a sense of melancholy sometimes, but normally that has to do with a feeling of personal failure in the task of changing the world for the better. I try not to think of myself in terms of success and failure in a world that is so hyper-focused on it. Changing the world is a pretty big goal for someone who doesn't tend to be goal-oriented beyond finishing tasks, connecting with people, continuous learning, and seeing the world. When you really think about it maybe it's unreasonable and unrealistic. According to some that's the point of having a big goal - creating it as reality even in the face of great seemingly-insurmountable obstacles.
Then I start thinking about the concept of being able to create your state of being afresh as you wish. I feel like a fraud when I try to do that, because I'm not really letting it go most of the time; I'm just pretending it's not there and eventually it goes away. Fake-it-til-you-make-it style. The funny thing is, there are a lot of really excellent things happening in my world right now, and somehow the ennui still sneaks in like a ninja and the excitement about potential is muted. And I think... "Am I the only one who feels like this sometimes... randomly? For no real reason other than the world is fucked up, and I'm not really sure if I want to save the human race anyway." And that... That right there... is the rub. I'm not really sure if I really want to. Every so often I think the apocalypse would be pretty exciting. Not such a bubbly thought that one. But I don't feel moralistic about it... it's just there. As a possibility. And I'm weirdly ok with it.
The tie-in of ennui & the goth community always comes back to music. Times like this I am moved to listen to my Dark Hearts playlist (or of late also Gabriel's Gothulhu playlist) and allow myself to feel whatever it is to feel about the state of things and the future that could be. How do you choose to want redemption for the human race when sometimes you don't?
"Disintegration" by The Cure starts playing in my single earbud while I compile data for the sales team at my work... I love this song. Persephone was a well-chosen myth for me to fall in love with when I was 6 years old. I enjoy my time in the Underworld just as much as I enjoy my time in the rainbow-filled Overground.
Could also be I'm sick, and missing fun things to do while still managing to do things that aren't necessarily fun out of necessity. That would certainly create a cataclysmic desire for the world. Just gonna breathe through this... or try to, stupid sinuses. *sniff
