I'm pretty sure there are people who come into your life as a re-awakening to who you really are - those who feel like you've known them forever. The ones who you would swear can see into your soul, and vice versa. Maybe they are here for a moment, a day, months, years... You never really know which length of time you'll have with them, but you can feel when there is something underneath what could be the simplest passing - an energy that feels like you're spinning in an infinite dance around each other somehow any time you interact. Even if it's only once. This sense of a deeper connection to something isn't just with people (could be animals or a rainbow or a pretty rock), but it's especially intense when it is with people. Something inside of you shifts, and you feel transformed, like a butterfly. It's such an odd shift in awareness - like crossing a dimension into some new reality. A (hopefully) better version of yourself.
You also never know what it will be that brings about their departure. Will you fight? Will they move away? Will they meet someone else they have a stronger connection to? Will you find things about them that you cannot accept? Will you change in ways they disagree with? Will they die? It's a Chance card on the great Monopoly board. You can strategize away how to keep them for as long as possible, but in the end you have no control over the cycle. You're still going to lose the game. Oh... shit, I just lost the game. Dammit.
Ok that got dark and somehow simultaneously dorky. If we don't know what happens when we die, then how would anyone have any idea if you've won or lost the game? Maybe you win the game - why not play like you do, right? Ok, tangent, my bad.
Anyway - recently those who are in any proximity to me (physically or mentally) may have noticed I've been a bit... energized... lately. I post more on social media. I write a blog post (OMG it's been a while, but truth be told, I had two drafts I never actually published, because I got distracted by something, because squirrel). I talk about my feelings more, if that's even possible. I laugh more, again if that's possible. And I talk about whatever it is that is energizing me. And I mean, sure that's pretty common - people love to talk about what inspires them. Unless they're embarrassed about it, but then it just takes about 2.1 questions to remove that fear and learn a whole lot about what that person loves most. Some people are inspired by art, or sports, or a project, or, as in my case is most common, love. And here we are.
A man has come into my life that I have felt at a loss for words for in the way he makes me feel (contrary to this very extensive blog post). So unexpected. He's kind and smart and ridiculously silly and sweet. He's younger than I am, which isn't a thing that would come as a shocker to anyone, I'm sure. When we talk that age difference doesn't exist. He's simply lovely inside and out. And he is one of those people. We connect in a way that transcends a lot. It began as a small moment in time that felt more significant than it was the first day we met. Well, we didn't really meet officially - I made him a drink. Always paid cash. It took me 2 months to ask his name, though I'd wanted to know it from the first time our eyes met. We've known each other about 4 months. He asked me out for my birthday. We finally got to spend time together 3 days before Valentine's Day. Since then it's been a space of discovery, and that familiarity that comes with those people I mentioned with the unexpectedly deep connection to you that defies understanding. It feels the way it does when you hear a song that speaks to your soul, so you listen to it 500 times in a row because you can't get enough of it. That's what he does to me. He inspires me just by being who he is and doing the things he does. Being in his presence turns me into a sparkler. He's simply a shiny starlight I can't take my eyes off of.
Now this isn't meant to be a love letter to said man that the universe has so obviously special ordered for me. (Sorrynotsorry, Finn) It's meant to be about that sense you get about a person. Like you've known them somehow before. They feel comfortable in a way that you can't explain. Like when you're out and see something that you feel was simply put there for you to notice and cherish. It's a common experience in my life to feel that way about random occurrences or fleetingly with strangers. It's much rarer with people I'm getting to know, because people, unlike objects, hide from those connections. I never hide. I was told once that it's an awareness of the beauty of God's design/plan. Someone else told me that it's awareness that you're on the right path, which I guess would make sense if the path you're on is destined to happen. Hmm. Then we get into fate versus free will, and I'm firmly of the "every path is destined, but the one you're conscious of is where you find your free-will" school of thought.
Usually in my experience when I have this feeling upon first meeting a person, there is also an intuitive sense that the timing is wrong to dive too deeply into the connection - but I can sense it's there. Sometimes for years, sometimes perhaps it's never the right time to explore that space. It's a very rare occurrence where a new character steps on stage, and it's as though something in the universe has shifted with this arrival. The stars align (well, it was actually the planets that aligned, but pretty damned close), and things just flow. Everything seems as though it should feel it's moving too fast, but you both are just flowing with it. And in that current a thousand lifetimes could pass in one 5 second gaze. Being together just feels "right" in every possible timeline you can imagine. You know that there is no other way that this could possibly be other than what it is here and now. There is a confidence in that feeling that doesn't make logical sense, but whatever is happening is as it's meant to be. It's a welcoming sense of shared vulnerability. It's love.
I've realized somehow that a part of me has been hibernating for a while. In the past three weeks I've awakened to the romantic heart within me on a level I've felt detached from for too long. Sure I've had crushes and even acted on them sometimes, but this is the sort of kindred spirit energy that happens so very rarely. I've been creative and driven and focused on every intellectual and artistic pursuit, but I was missing the thing that keeps the fires in me burning - a romantic love. Sure maybe it's the joy of infatuation. Maybe it won't be an epic romance. Maybe writing a blog post about where you're at will derail this minecart, because "you're too open about your life." Maybe it's just serotonin and dopamine and all that bio-chem stuff. It could be that I've not paid this part of my heart/mind/soul/body much attention so it's atrophied and any amount of focus on it is hugely impactful. But perhaps there is something deeper truly at play in these connections we have with a moment or a place or a person. This is honestly one of those areas where I don't care about the science of it all - at least not at science's current stage of development. I trust my intuition, even if we don't have a rational explanation for what that "gut feeling" is. I just know he moves something in the deepest parts of me. (Get your mind out of the gutter, Kevin.) I want to lean into my romantic heart a little bit... or a lot bit... at least for as long as he'll let me. Most of all I hope he gets to stick around a while - a good long while. He looks at me like I'm magic, which in part is a reflection of how I'm looking at him. I want to keep looking, figuring out what this connection is. I haven't seen enough yet. Hopefully that's what the universe has in mind too.
