Today is the first full workday that I'm not on Facebook. It's only been 2 hours, and already my urge to post something has been palpable. I feel a need to connect, to write, to express random thoughts that occur to me. As this happens, I find myself pondering where that stems from - what need there is for me to connect with my social circle. Is it truly a narcissistic wish to be admired? To be thought of kindly? As smart? As clever? I think we all have those feelings, but I have a tendency to simply act out in ways that will soothe the need for acceptance by my peers. People often refer to it as courage, but it's never felt as such to me. It's always struck me as somewhat more akin to getting 'a fix.' The fix is in the connection to some degree - the being heard, but it's also simply found, for me, in the act of writing.
I realize that social media, in its own way, fulfills the very niche that writing in a journal always has held for me. It's the reason I've kept a journal since I was 12 years old. I have pages upon pages of rants and venting; mania and depression; dreams and tragedies. It's what writing is for me - a place to cleanse my mind. Through writing, I purge myself of thoughts/feelings that overwhelm or distract from tasks at hand - the past and the future collide and are swept clean from a mind trying so desperately to remain present.
Were someone to base their entire view of me on my writing, they may well conclude that I suffer from all forms of psychological malady including but not limited to OCD, Manic Depression, and perhaps even Multiple Personalities. The cathartic exercise of writing soothes the aspects of my obsessive tendencies, and often keeps me from acting out in ways that I would likely regret upon reflection. I'm a firecracker, and my spontaneous nature does indeed lead to many adventures... but it's also somewhat reckless and has a tendency to get me in trouble. Writing keeps my feet on the ground, so to speak, before I am carried off my some tsunami of feelings and what ifs.
I hope if anything that my month away from Facebook will provide a return to that writing, but perhaps with a greater clarity and focus that is somewhat less narcissistic. I don't know why, but writing about my experience always seems natural to me, albeit a bit myopic. Facebook took away my connection to Livejournal and Blogger, and I've often lamented of missing that outlet, yet there I sit day in and day out on Facebook accomplishing nothing save being a politically correct stalker. The conversations shared on LJ were richer in hindsight, but that may be nostalgia more than anything. Nostalgia tends toward a sweetness that reality can't seem to capture most times. But maybe they really are richer when someone writes from the heart, versus spitting random thoughts onto the page to gain likes. I may opt to try my hand back in this arena again, not for commentary, per se, but because without having that purging in some form, I fear I may go even more insane.
