Disclaimer: This is a train of thought entry, so if it makes no sense at all, I apologize. I also feel highly caffeinated at the moment, so things tend to meander. I've contacted my doctor about obtaining a therapist, because I've hit a point where I feel that my mind is running in circles over the same issues, but not making progress. I tend to become obsessive and anxiety-ridden when this happens... and I'd like to figure out how to take a step UP from this place. Having an objective and detached third party seems like a really lovely concept. I'm gonna roll with that. I've never seen a therapist really, so we'll see what happens. But this is what's going on in my brain this morning:
I've struggled with the concept of labeling things in my life for a really long time. Anyone who knows me knows that I'm hyper-organized and part and parcel to that is the seeming need to label everything. How else can one organize their life without compartmentalizing every little thing? It's funny, I was talking about that word yesterday, and it appeared as we were watching 'Jessica Jones'... It was not lost on me that it's not a word that comes up all that often on television shows.
Anyway - I've struggled with this need to label everything in my life for what seems like always. This is great for things like boxes of stuff I own, spices, games/DVDs, whatever. Label away! It's part of why I never lose things. It keeps me sane when it comes to material things, but there is one area that I seem to really lose some sanity over this urging to label: Relationships to people generally.
I'm becoming quite clear that my need to label the relationships in my life often prevents me from being content/satisfied with what exists. If there isn't an understandable definition for what it is, I feel lost and out of control. I feel like I can't have any expectation of it, and not having an expectation makes me feel... I don't even know. This is what I'm trying to figure out right now. It's like, without a label, which provides a certain set of parameters for what expectations I can have, I feel no sense of purpose. To that end I head into a realm of feeling like any action is pointless, because... without purpose I feel listless and lethargic and lacking in direction. I feel stagnant. I become a mass of blah. Hmm.
Ok, so I have a sense of why I feel driven to label things in a positive way - it gives me purpose. Hope, maybe. But definitely a sense of a direction to grow into. It's like sunlight - I lean in the direction that the label's expectations provide, if that makes sense. So what about the negative aspects of having labels?
First off it's confining to what is possible for my current relationship based on a definition I learned in the past. Currently I find this most trying in the area of romantic relationship. I have a definition of what that looks like based on some earlier version of myself and my experience (and society's opinion of what a romantic relationship should be like), and I struggle with the parts of it where those parameters aren't being met, even if I know at the core that the definition I have is what is limiting my experience of it. I find often that I disagree with a societal norm for the definition of a functional romantic relationship, but I still have a drive to adhere to it... even though I disagree with it. WTF is that?
Secondly, I also find that often the label I want is the one I don't have. Even when I know that I have what I want when I have the other label. As an example - When I find myself in a monogamous relationship, I find that I feel confined and restricted from being my natural self (which tends to be flirty and impulsive). But when I find myself in a non-monogamous arrangement, I somehow long for it to be monogamous. Which leads me to believe it's less about the state of the relationship and more about ownership via the label of boyfriend/girlfriend. Like... this is mine. You cannot have it. Which I know is also bullshit, but it's still there. Make up your damned mind, brainmeats!
So yeah... this is what's been on my mind lately. I feel chaotic and contrary and annoyed at myself a lot. I feel like this weird wishy-washy need to have a label that I don't even know if I want causes me to be less than I am capable of being for the people around me. I struggle with the same thing with friendship labels. I could go into a whole new story about inclusion and my weird nomadic sense of not wanting to be part of a community because I feel like it's exclusionary. But then longing to be part of a community because I feel left out, while still not wanting others to be part of the community because they just don't fit my expectations for it. I say I love paradox, but man... Sometimes it's a bitch. I just want to be happy with my circumstances as they are. Because really when I look at it, I've got it pretty damned good right now despite the rough edges here and there. I hope that I can gain some clarity from a good therapist, because I really like what I have right now at the heart. It's just the stupid story-spinning Saboteur that is my brain that keeps making me feel like I'm going crazy.
