I'm currently in a leadership program. Part of the program is really learning about what a terrible listener I am. There's no emotion there - I have historically been a pretty terrible listener. I listen from the perspective of how it fits into my experience, which means most of the time I'm not hearing the person who's speaking. I'm hearing myself. I'm hearing my relatedness. I'm hearing some spin on what the person is sharing. It's natural, I suppose. But it means I forget things like names, places, and details of experiences people share. I forget who I was talking to when I go to relate a story to someone else. I forget about the impact I have on the person I'm communicating with - in every sense.
This came up in a way last night that I cannot express without feeling incredibly embarrassed. The vague way of saying what happened is that I got lazy, and was called out on it. Given the idea that there are times when I impact nobody but myself (which is totally bullshit, because we always have an impact even if we don't see it), I let things slide. I don't take care of myself the way I should, and then when the universe throws something unexpected my way, I am confused as to why it doesn't go as well as I'd hoped. Or maybe it does go well externally, but this is only because I'm so caught up in my head that the underlying tones of what someone is trying to tell me in a gentle way are completely over it - that is until they put it in plain words.
Luckily in this case I've met someone who does just that. He doesn't mince words with me, and he doesn't sugar coat things. It's jarring. I struggle against it because I'm so used to getting my way. I'm so used to things being easy because I've surrounded myself with circumstances that I feel are under my control. As soon as they are not, I ditch. It's a pattern in my life since before I even knew there was an option. Given this new state of affairs, I've become crystal clear that it's a pattern that won't serve me if what I'm up to is something bigger than myself.
I went home from hanging out with said new character in my world and threw a narcissistic tantrum about 'meeting my match' as a friend said. How dare he call me out even if he was totally right, and I had nobody to blame but myself? I felt out of my league intellectually. I hated it... and was completely turned on by it. I realized in that moment that if what I was up to was everything I said it was, this was exactly the kind of people I wanted to surround myself with. People who intimidate me because they are up to bigger things and are willing to be authentic with me about the impact I have on them. I looked around my house as though for the first time, and realized a little girl would feel incredibly comfortable there. The color, the things, the whimsy. My inner child was alive and well, and all this time I'd made it wrong to be a 'grown up.' Being a grown up meant an end to fun. It meant being serious. It meant having to work hard for something that had no promise of working out. It meant not running away as soon as I thought I would fail. Having just read an article about Peter Pan syndrome / SF as Neverland, I was awestruck by finding that there I was... Peter Pan. Mother eff.
I awoke today with a new introspection. I'm an incredibly gifted communicator, but it's quite one-sided and self-serving. It's time to knock that off. It's time to really get with being a listener; with supporting someone without feeling a need to control them. It's time to just hear people from where they are, and to recognize how I affect that space. This isn't limited to to one person - I want this to resonate throughout my spectrum of experience with people. I have no idea what the impact will be in how the universe responds to me, but I believe that it is a mirror for whatever vibration I'm emitting. This isn't a realization that started last night... it just finally, like a key fitting into a lock.... *click. So far in this new found processing, I've gotten really clear on some behavior patterns I need to let go of. I've also had the incredible fortune of connecting with a few people (both within the program, and obviously outside of it) who I feel inspired by; people who makes me want to pay closer attention. I like it.
