From the blue journal - "Crybaby"

I've spent all of my life trying to make sense of how easily I'm brought to tears. Well, probably most of it has been trying to harden myself against that reaction, and trying to make sense of my failure to do so. People say one should embrace the ability to cry. That it's purifying and all that. Those people don't realize it's also the thing that will discredit one's position in a debate, disagreement, or conversation. The moment tears happen, any view I may have is now marred by the opinion that I've "turned on the waterworks" to gain sympathy.

This morning I was awakened by my partner tutting at the cat. I asked him to please stop and thus began an disagreement about how many times and how long he'd done it, which was irrelevant to my half-awake self. I'd awakened from chaotic dreams about us breaking up, which left me emotionally raw - paired with being groggy and awakened far too early on the last day I could sleep in a little before Dickens opened, it became an argument. In the end our opinions around noise in the morning were different, but as things progressed I found I was less upset about being awakened than by his belittling reaction to my asking him to stop tutting. This, of course, resolved to me in tears. The saddest part of which was that he was wholly unaffected by them.

When I commented on that, he accused me of using my tears to manipulate him. This was based on my vocal observation that he was unaffected by my crying. While on the one hand I can see why it could be viewed as such, on the other this was about a point in a relationship where the emotional response in your partner ceases to hold any connection. Where rather than a moment of wishing to reconnect, the emotional response (in this case crying) creates a disconnect - the dismissal I'm all too familiar with when I break down in tears.

This brought on a feeling of anger that he could actually think, after what I've told him about my experience crying, I do it on purpose. I felt accused of being a liar. A faker. I was suddenly 9 years old facing a teacher who once said "What goes around comes around. Your tears won't get your way with everyone." But moreover it was as though a giant weight of sadness settled itself firmly on my shoulders once again as I understood yet again that tears lost any logical argument/opinion I could have. In order for this relationship to prosper, I was yet again going to face the struggle of not allowing myself to be overwhelmed by tears - otherwise we'd end the same as every partnership before - as a failure.

I thought of my ex then... how he'd been me. The only partner I'd ever had who cried more than I did - and how even I was frustrated by his lack of 'self-control.'

Therein lies the distinction for a crybaby like me. Would I rather my partner thought of me as not having self-control? As a lesser of two evils, yes. At least I'd not be thought of as a manipulator. Though really, I just want him to be the partner who helps me kick this lifelong struggle, by recognizing it as what it is - an overwhelmed emotional response. It's like a panic attack, in that way. And it needs patience and acceptance that even I haven't been able to give it. How do I ask that of another person? Though I guess that means his response to it needs the same patience from me.

The next question is - How do I cultivate patience while in the midst of a panic attack? I guess I can try to remember the things that matter:

* I love him.
* He loves me.
* He's not trying to hurt me.
* This feeling will pass.
* Just listen.
* There's nothing wrong with crying.
* Let it go.

My Experience w/ The Forum.

As some of you know, I did the Landmark Forum last weekend. After years of trashing it, and talking about how it was a scam, a cult, brainwashing. All I can say is... Wow. Absolutely game changing - The way the rave scene and all its experimentation was for me - The way Burning Man was and continues to be for me - The way travel has been for me - The way love always will be for me.

If you've been a part of my life in the past 6 months to a year, you are well aware I've been on a path of growing integrity and gratitude for the life I have and the path I'm on and the people who make up my experience of the Universe. This was long before deciding to do the Forum. If we've been in contact you've probably heard me tell you that I think you're fantastic and inspiring. You've seen me step out of my comfort zone to understand what's really going on. You've had my support when you've asked for it, and sometimes when you were too afraid to ask. You've gotten honesty from me when it's been terrifying to give it. You've heard me own up for not living up to my word. Because I believe in it. That's what I'm about, and it just so happens Landmark is about the same thing.

Where I thought there was far-out new-agey philosophy and fiction and probably some religious undertone, I found the opposite. I found taking responsibility for the person we are choosing to be - because we are always choosing. Every single moment of our life. I don't know if I believe in everything Landmark is about yet, but I believe in what I've experienced so far.

I had one comment - and this isn't something I was told, or came from a handbook, or is something the Forum leader said. This is authentically from my perspective: Everything I've done to improve my life has had a cost. Education, work-related seminars, therapy, travel, renting property, even being inauthentic has cost a lot - though not necessarily financial. I worked through the money aspect before I went to the Forum to see if I felt like it'd be worth the financial obligation. The Forum cost just over $13/hr for me to gain a priceless clarity & accountability that no amount of class at college, or travel to Thailand, or therapy or living situations or leadership seminars have ever given me - they've come close, but not quite It. If that's not worth it, then man... I don't know what is. Sure I could and still can get there on my own, but there is no denying it's easier to figure things out as a group than it is on your own. I truly believe nobody *needs* Landmark to get what they're teaching... I was well on my way... But the jump start and the community all striving toward the same goal - a world of integrity and gratitude - is totally worth it.

Namaste.

Meeting People Is Easy

Good morning, my intrepid friends and colleagues. It's a lovely Ash Wednesday, and I've been doing some thinking about the social world I find myself currently frolicking through. I often find myself in a situation where I am told that the amount of courage I have is impressive, although this is sometimes balanced with being told that I'm incredibly aggressive. All -sives aside, I think it's important to realize that courage isn't something that you have or don't. It's nurtured, and anyone can have it given enough practice.

Last night I went out to a performance at the DNA Lounge for the Jerk Church sing-along. First let me say what an incredibly impressive group of musicians these folks are. I had a fantastic time singing along with songs I know, as well as learning songs I may recognize but wouldn't have known lyrically. They supplied songbooks and cue-cards, and lots of eye-candy (partially in the form of one of my two best friends in the world). It was an excellent time had by many on a lovely Fat Tuesday.

Once I got home I found myself reflective about a comment (from said bestie) having to do with how 'courageous' I was about meeting people. It got me to thinking about what exactly causes nervousness in situations like those. The answer of course is rejection. Nobody wants to feel like they're uninteresting or stupid or worse: ugly. Perhaps I have it easy as I tend to think I'm interesting, fairly intelligent, and cute most of the time. If I felt myself deficient in any of these areas, I sometimes wonder if I would find it harder to talk to people I didn't know. One can only speculate really, but I came to an interesting conclusion before drifting off to sleep.

Confidence isn't about having something that is impressive to other people. Confidence is about having something that is impressive to yourself. My world is incredibly complex, strikingly beautiful, and fascinatingly surreal. I'm drawn to that in other people because I identify with it. When I talk to people it's more out of curiosity about what their world must be like. And physical attraction, I'll grant you that. In the times that I've been "rejected" (which does happen), I don't feel like I'm somehow deficient. I don't lose confidence - at least not for very long - because my world is so filled with wonderful things already that I chalk it up as the universe's way of saying that this particular person's interactions with me wouldn't have gelled with who I am as a person. Energy is weird like that - it attracts itself, but every so often that attraction only goes one direction, and it's the realization and acceptance of this that I've been personally working on. We are magnets for what we can identify with. The times where the resonance happens one way I like to think they're doing me a favor by leaving me open to find someone who does have a reciprocated magnetism. Thanks for that, buddy. Have a good night.

So the next time you're out and you see some person that you're interested in talking to - just talk to them. Tell them something honest - about yourself, about the environment, about your impression of them, about what you want. It doesn't really matter. They will respond, and you'll know if it's worth continuing to talk to them. Not a good connection? Tell them you just thought they should know you think they're adorable, and wish them a good evening. And most importantly - Let it go. The opinion of a mostly-stranger should have no bearing on your opinion of yourself. Again - they are doing you a favor of saving you some unforeseen drama. What a nice person! With so many incredible people in the world, connections will happen. Their feeling on you approaching them is irrelevant - the fact that you put yourself out there and smiled in defeat should be impressive. If not to them, definitely to you. And really, if you're impressed by your abilities, you've won the day.

Welcome to My World

Let's just start this where it matters, shall we?

Important Things to Know About Me

1. I'm pretty adaptable to every situation. Most times it's an incredible asset, but on the flip side it also means that my attention span is pretty short... most of the time. I definitely have the ability to focus on something for an expansive period of time if it's really caught my interest, but I suffer from the perpetual "Oh, shiny!" syndrome of distraction... In all things.

2. I'm a bit of a polymath. My toes are dipped into a variety of areas including pretty much every artistic arena imaginable, a bunch of business-related endeavors, and varying degrees of MacGuyver-esque problem solving skills across a vast array of fields. Generally if something needs to be fixed, I'm the one to do it. If I don't know the answer, you can bet your ass I'll find it. For that reason I tend to take on a heavy load of work most of the time, and not spend nearly enough of my week relaxing, which is why I do yoga and meditation on a regular basis, because otherwise I think I might die.

3. I have the greatest best friends ever, and we are complete asses together. We will embarrass you, and yet you will be completely smitten with us. Learn it, live it, love it.

4. I don't give a shit about this whole "gamer girl vs girl gamer" debate. I'm a gamer. Period. I think you can figure out that I'm a chick on your own.

5. I have absolutely no issue asking for what I want. I will be bluntly honest with you. I don't bullshit, and I expect no bullshit back. If you're a manipulator, have an incredibly entitled or superior attitude, or are the type who leeches happiness from others, chances are I won't like you. No hard feelings - I just don't have time for that kind of energy in my world.

6. I will readily admit when I screw up or are being an jerk, and I love people who have the self-confidence to do the same.

7. I'm constantly on a path of development, and I recognize that within myself every single day. I love to experience things, and therefore curiosity is often my biggest influence when it comes to my sense of adventure. Often it causes drama I might have avoided, but in this life I figure the last thing I want is to be 80 years old and wishing I did all the things I ever had urges to do. Sure sometimes fear keeps you from doing inherently stupid things, but most of the time it also keeps you from doing truly remarkable things as well. Here's to a truly remarkable life full of stupidity! At least the fun kind, I hope.

8.... is my favorite number. Must have something to do with my obsession with infinity. I'm an Aquarian Dragon, and I'll be 36 in 6 days. My favorite color is deep teal - like the color of a stormy sea.

Nice to meet you.

Current Music: Bauhaus - She's In Parties