This morning I was awakened by my partner tutting at the cat. I asked him to please stop and thus began an disagreement about how many times and how long he'd done it, which was irrelevant to my half-awake self. I'd awakened from chaotic dreams about us breaking up, which left me emotionally raw - paired with being groggy and awakened far too early on the last day I could sleep in a little before Dickens opened, it became an argument. In the end our opinions around noise in the morning were different, but as things progressed I found I was less upset about being awakened than by his belittling reaction to my asking him to stop tutting. This, of course, resolved to me in tears. The saddest part of which was that he was wholly unaffected by them.
When I commented on that, he accused me of using my tears to manipulate him. This was based on my vocal observation that he was unaffected by my crying. While on the one hand I can see why it could be viewed as such, on the other this was about a point in a relationship where the emotional response in your partner ceases to hold any connection. Where rather than a moment of wishing to reconnect, the emotional response (in this case crying) creates a disconnect - the dismissal I'm all too familiar with when I break down in tears.
This brought on a feeling of anger that he could actually think, after what I've told him about my experience crying, I do it on purpose. I felt accused of being a liar. A faker. I was suddenly 9 years old facing a teacher who once said "What goes around comes around. Your tears won't get your way with everyone." But moreover it was as though a giant weight of sadness settled itself firmly on my shoulders once again as I understood yet again that tears lost any logical argument/opinion I could have. In order for this relationship to prosper, I was yet again going to face the struggle of not allowing myself to be overwhelmed by tears - otherwise we'd end the same as every partnership before - as a failure.
I thought of my ex then... how he'd been me. The only partner I'd ever had who cried more than I did - and how even I was frustrated by his lack of 'self-control.'
Therein lies the distinction for a crybaby like me. Would I rather my partner thought of me as not having self-control? As a lesser of two evils, yes. At least I'd not be thought of as a manipulator. Though really, I just want him to be the partner who helps me kick this lifelong struggle, by recognizing it as what it is - an overwhelmed emotional response. It's like a panic attack, in that way. And it needs patience and acceptance that even I haven't been able to give it. How do I ask that of another person? Though I guess that means his response to it needs the same patience from me.
The next question is - How do I cultivate patience while in the midst of a panic attack? I guess I can try to remember the things that matter:
* I love him.
* He loves me.
* He's not trying to hurt me.
* This feeling will pass.
* Just listen.
* There's nothing wrong with crying.
* Let it go.
