It's been coming up a lot in my world lately. Conversations about that little voice. You know the one - it's the one that tells you that you are incompetent, doomed to failure, a terrible person, worthless. We all have it. We all listen to it sometimes, and allow it to shade our perspectives. We become defeated and resigned to what that voice says about us. We take it is truth, because we've had it with us our whole lives. We think that voice is who we really are. But the question I always come back to is....
If that little voice is me, who the hell is the person listening to it?
There's an old concept of the angel and devil on our shoulders. "Conscience." It shows up in cartoons, shows, movies, comics. We give in to the temptation offered up by the little devil, and the self-righteous angel tut-tuts us for falling prey to their scheming. Even in this concept, those voices aren't us. Who are they? Where do they come from? How do we choose which one to listen to without feeling like we are failures when we choose what we know is the poorer of the two choices? Hell, sometimes the 'bad' choice is a whole lot of fun. I choose that one a lot, knowing full well that the outcome may be less than stellar. It's always worth it if I learn something, I tell myself. I almost always do.
When I was 17 I hated nearly everything about myself - or at least what I understood, since I felt like a complete moron most of the time. I was naive and gullible. I wasn't quick-witted (I'm still not), and I felt like a gangly, nerdy, stupid, ugly creature in a big cruel world full of opportunistic people, liars, cheats, and all-encompassing fuckery. I knew for a 'fact' nobody loved me. How could they? I certainly didn't love myself, so what person in their right mind would feel anything like that for the hideous monster I was.
I had a new friend... well, I call him my first love. We hadn't known each other long at that point, but 22 years later we are still friends. He's a great guy (Hi, David). He had a habit of always telling me how amazing and beautiful I was. I told myself I hated it, because it was bullshit, but I was still drawn to him, because maybe he meant it. He seemed sincere, and I wanted it to be true. But given how gullible I was, there had to be a point where the other boot would fall. How the hell could he think I was beautiful or interesting or smart? I knew better. My little voice told me - I was dumb. I was worthless. I was so gullible. He'd just end up hurting me in the end, and then I'd be ashamed and embarrassed for trusting him. Given how much I hated myself I was drawn to that possibility as well. I just knew I was right, so why not take another opportunity to prove it?
One day amidst his cooing over how lovely I was I broke down in tears about how it didn't matter what he thought of me. I knew the truth. I heard it in my mind every day. His response will stick with me forever. He got very serious, stood up, took my hand, marched me into the bathroom, and stood behind me with his hands on my shoulders. I struggled, face down, tears falling. I couldn't even look at myself, let alone in front of another person, without making a face of distaste and disappointment. "Look in the mirror. Do you see that girl there? She is beautiful. She's also smart, funny, and simply amazing, and guess what - she's you. Don't ever talk down about yourself again. It's not who you are. You are incredible, Stefani. And if anyone ever says otherwise, fuck them. What the hell do they know?"
I never had anyone stand up for me like that. I certainly never stuck up for myself that way. The only time someone would tell me things like that was when they wanted something from me, but he didn't seem to want anything outside of spending time with me and making me laugh, as well as making me feel beautiful. For some reason I trusted him over the voices in my head. I'd always defined myself by people's opinions of me - by the voice's opinion of me... but hey, here was a person who asked nothing of me but to simply love myself and see myself as beautiful, because he did. This time when that voice yelled in my head, I chose to listen to my friend instead. The self-worth stuff didn't disappear immediately - it took time, but it was a spark of possibility that somehow stuck with me. I started to feel angry whenever that voice spoke up. What the hell did that voice know? Who the hell is that voice anyway? I started to rebel against that little voice. Every time it told me I couldn't, I would offer up a big 'fuck you' and master whatever it said I would fail at. Whenever fear hit me, I would beat it down and kick ass at whatever I was afraid of. After a time something magical began to happen... I stopped listening to it altogether. Sure, sometimes it would get the better of me, but the more I ignored the voice, the quieter it got overall.
So... if you're not the little voice in your head... who are you? The answer is: Whoever the hell you choose to be. And who you choose to be is not static - it's malleable, fluid and strong. The less power you give that voice, the more power you give your vision of who you want to be. Listen to the voices that tell you that you are fabulous, and if they aren't in your head, start listening to the ones who are outside of it that tell you how incredible you are. Ask yourself: What am I passionate about? What lights me up? What inspires me? What makes me laugh like nothing else? And then... Do that! Be choosy about how you spend your energy, and who/what you give focus to, and if it starts to feel toxic or bad, then find something else, because you know what - you have that power. You can do what you want, and nobody is the boss of you except you and the actions you take to define who you are and what really matters to you. You're amazing, and deep down, when that voice shuts the fuck up, you know it. And so does that little voice, which is why it's trying so hard to tear you down.
I don't think a lot of people had someone in their lives like I had... And I'm lucky to have had it at such a young age. I'm grateful to that every single day. It's who I want to be for the people I love... and you are many. You're amazing. Trust someone who knows... Way better than those little fuckwits on your shoulders.
