For half a moment I considered ridding myself of this stupid obsession I have with love... or with writing about love... or anything to do with that silly romantic notion that has been a driver of every creative thing or random adventure this life has held for me. Everything. When asked what drives me the answer is always love. Always. My understanding of what that looks like is tumultuous and ever-mutating, shifting, growing, accepting. For a moment I thought maybe I needed to shut the fuck up about the topic completely... But then I remembered something someone once said to me - that no matter what happens in my life... "Stay being you. Stay being just you... You are something special."
And then I remembered that I trust this universe to bring forth exactly what I need when I need it most. It always has - for me at an incredibly unusual rate - which I've been told is because serendipity and synchronicity are something I am seeking. Works for me! Sure I've worked hard to have things I want, and I've created possibility & opportunity with that drive. But in this world, I feel it's a balance - you get what you give... like the New Radicals song from the 90's said. So I try to give communication, patience, acceptance, laughter, adventure, and love. Those are the things I want most in life.
All that being said, it's easy to get caught up in the emotions of others and lose sight of yourself and what matters to you. It's also easy to get caught up in the insecurities of others and the misguided perceptions of others and allow those things to tarnish the core of who you are. But tarnish is all they can really do, because the core of who we are is unbreakable. At least that's what I believe. It takes some time to polish that tarnish off sometimes (or maybe a pickax or a blowtorch), but it's always worth it.
I've noticed that on first thinking about things I'm dealing with, I blame the perceiver for their incorrect understanding. Then I tend to blame whatever circumstances may be at play between us. And then I realize that it really comes down to a failure in my own communication, and often in my myopic view not recognizing the impact of my actions or words. It leads me to a place of introspection about how to better land in the world around me in a way that I intend. I talk about "Intention versus Impact" a lot in conversation, wherein I say that the impact may not feel like it's more important, but it is when it comes to how to deal with a problem - or at least it should take priority. Intention can't be understood if someone is so deep in the impact of it they can't hear what you're saying. Whatever happens, every circumstance is an opportunity for growth, and I try to recognize that. To continue on the path of greater comprehension and... kind of an odd sort of premonition I suppose of the future, I have to be more conscious of the impact I make. I have to have a greater understanding of people who are not like I am, because those folks seem to be the ones I inadvertently hit the hardest. I'm not like most people. I'm willing to talk about pretty much everything with pretty much anyone. I rarely feel things like jealousy or regret - I am the eternal optimist, and every struggle - every tear shed - is part of the journey toward being the person I want to be. One with both an incredible passion and an equal measure of humility. It's a very delicate balance between the two.
And of course I digress... Like I do. I've got no idea if anyone even reads things I write, not that it matters, really... Though if you want to understand me, it's a good place to start. I don't even know if it makes any sense, or if my rambling poetic nature causes massive whiplash from eyerolling. Don't worry, it's a daily occurrence at myself as well. I think if I had a day where I didn't consider myself to be possibly the most ridiculous individual I know, I would think something was very wrong with the world.
So, TLDR - I fuck up! It's true. But I'm working on things, and always failing better. Every step feels like a new lock falling away... a new door opening to some new level of understanding. It's funny to me that people think I never make mistakes. That I'm just naturally good at things. I hear it a lot. I can safely say this month: Nope! I make mistakes with gusto. While I can keep a secret like the best of them, generally I tend to put it all on the table. And as I've learned... when it comes to anything to do with my heart, I go blind. It's a lock I haven't quite found the key for yet. But I think I may have it around here somewhere.
